my turning point.

Friday, September 12, 2008

how did things wind up like this? maybe, it all happened for a reason, for a greater good. if it did, oh how i hate the greater good. i can't believe how fast things have come to a complete halt. okay, maybe not a complete halt. considering the way that we are now, it's like a stall.

i find myself, alone, thinking about what could have been. no, torturing myself. i hate possibilities. i used to be a big fan of that, but now i find myself trying to live from moment to moment just so that i can get through the day. hoping is futile, at least for now. i have to constantly convince myself that it's futile so that i can wake up the next day and let live.

and the award for the best liar goes to you
for making me believe, that you could be faithful to me

i find myself constantly thinking about what could have been, and i just cannot stop myself from thinking about them. i find myself always trying to relive the past, because that is all i have left. this is pathetic, i'm reading what i type and i feel like spitting on my lowly self for being so weak.

but you put on quite a show, really had me going
but now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing

i remember lunches going on for forever. how shocked i was when i heard you playing justice on my ipod. our first elmo's dinner, where conversation evolved around how i almost killed a woman with my reckless driving and home. the panic and the dread we shared when we thought i would be leaving duke. ok go, and that random carolina dude. you waiting in the middle of the night, for a cab to take you back to east because the buses had stopped running. new york, new york - the forbidden fruit. trying desperately to stop things from happening between us. the need to see you every day. driving up to new york. fondly calling you my radiator. how your arms feel when you hug me to sleep. sneaking over in the middle of the night. movie nights. dancing together. your breath against my neck while you sleep. your snoring. the smell of your perfume. waking up to you.

and don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
you're only sorry, you got caught

flying home together. how the air steward stared as you pushed and shoved me into a more comfortable position for you to rest your head on as you sleep. landing in singapore and having breakfast with my mother. telling people about us and getting quite a reaction. the jealousy and the hurt. lunches spent tormenting and hurting one another. regret for getting at each other like that. begging for forgiveness and searching for the safety in each other's arms. spending as much time as we could together. picking you up from work. the dread when i stopped replying because my phone's battery life went dead. the relief that swept through you when i was there to pick you up after the quarrel. ttsh, books and ocd. watching soccer together. eating all the time. cooking for your parents and how it winded up being such a failure. how your father thought i reminded him of the edb lady. Abc :) - my family had quite a laugh about that. calls that would last forever and texting that never ended. skyping while i was in kl. picking me up from the airport and going straight to zouk. dancing and going crazy together. vietnam and cambodia. making plans for the semester ahead. looking forward to whatever that awaited us.

talking about, girl, i love you, you're the one
this just looks like a re-run
please, what else is on?

10days apart was hell, and who would've thought in that time you would've turned your back on me? who would've thought you'd leave? who would've thought that our fairytale was coming to an end?

that was quite a show, very entertaining
but it's over now

i was patiently awaiting your arrival, cake and candles in hand. the apartment was sparsely furnished, because i was waiting for you to go shopping with me. i had it all planned out. i took the table outside so that we could study together. i looked up recipes so that we could cook up a storm. i couldn't wait to introduce you to the rest of the team. i couldn't wait to look up in the stands to see you cheering me on while i destroyed on the field. i was planning movie nights, dinner dates, road trips, vacations, classes... i thought about the future. we were going to graduate together. our two families together, watching us with pride. new york? california? the possibilities were endless.

but it's over now
go on and take a bow

pau

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