one, two, three, four
tell me that you love me more
sleepless, long nights
that was what my youth was for
oh teenage hope arrive at your door
left you with nothing
but they want some more
you're changing your heart.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
the week started off on the wrong foot. correction. on the wrong leg. hang on. on the wrong body movement. obviously my need to express how BAD the week began has been weakened by my lack of knowledge of english phrases. back to the point. it was bad.
i got cut out of the U21 junior asia cup. but of course there's people out there rolling their goddamned eyes at me [seriously go wank off in the corner please and get out of my sight]
who in the world do i think i am to say i deserve that place in the team? i am no one. but at least i deserved that equal chance to try out. i have been in the national team for a while, i have been through it all and i have never stopped dreaming. there's nothing that can justify why i should be so disappointed beyond the fact that, the final lap is staring at me in the face and i refuse to face the music.
i guess it is time to face the music. that with my pr status there's a barrier i cannot cross. i guess i can never ever play the SEA games unless malaysia is desperate enough to come my way. HAH. ya sure. and i guess. not being part of this u21 tournament confirms that my pr status has the power to wreck my world. hahaha. i guess. it's time to recognise that the most i could ever go to representing the country was 4nations. hahaha. hey. at least. i did have something. i guess. until i change the pr status. there is no point for me to continue dreaming or turning up at training. my presence would not be appreciated. nor would it mean anything. and why put myself through all that disappointment again? and since i'm studying in newyork and i shuttle between continents so often, it is easy to forget me. hah. so i shall. fade into the background.
i never ever saw myself not training. my life evolved around hockey. my friends can seriously vouch for that. and now. i am left to deal with it being oly a part of my life and not my ENTIRE life. but i guess. it's time to move on. and i never once regretted being part of this team. having gone through all of that. i am grateful for the opportunity and i am grateful i got to experience it all. no sugarcoating and shit.
so. hockey. has. come. to. a. halt. my dreams of donning the national colours again have ended. i guess. i am okay.
i will cope.
i will ache.
i will cry.
but at least i can say.
i had a dream and i lived that dream for as long as it could last.
pau
__________
Monday, May 28, 2007
hahahahahhahaa. wtf. i really have been a fool. hahahahahaha. i really am an ass. hahahahhahahaha. "you got served."
okay. what was it?! what did i do wrong? am i not good enough?!?! what is it?!?! am i farking unfit? yes i am. i will become fit. I WILL. fark. CAN YOU SPELL DESPERATE!? eeeeecccccccckkkkkkk. WHAT IS IT. i wish i knew. freak. i wanna dieee. fark pau shut up and stop farking whinning.
pau
__________
pain is my way of abuse. my way of punishing myself for my stupidity and indecisiveness. nature's way of telling me, "pau you have been an idiot. so suffer the consequences." i have lost all apetite. eck. this sucks. maybe it's really time to let go and let live.
where's andrew when i need some comfort?
pau
__________
Friday, May 25, 2007
so now i'm suffering from a bout of dehydration and gastric flu. apparently it was self induced. and now there's this concern that its just symptons of something worse. going to see more doctors. hmmm.
i just wanna crawl into bed and just stay there but i know i shouldn't. i will just fall more sick. hah. i used to think i was healthy. guess not huh.
i've decided i'm taking ownership.
i will push on.
and i really wish all that animosity would just stop. just wish everyone would get along. play their best and just live to breathe another day. politics really suck.
eck my rashes are really bugging me.
pau
__________
Thursday, May 24, 2007
i feel like a used shoe.
you know how you have a pair of sneakers that has been with you for a while, but as time passes it gets a little out of fashion. it is permanently stained with dirt and has little holes at the corners from all the times you spent wiggling your toes during awkward moments. they are extremely comfortable and maybe even hold countless memories of your past.
you don't really want to throw them out. so you store them hoping that one day they would come back in fashion and you would be the first on the streets donning its colours. but as time passes, not only do you realise it may never come back in fashion, you realise the little hole in your shoe no longer keeps your feet nice, warm and snug. and also that little hole is a window of opportunity for those ants who cannot tell the difference between smelly feet and sweet honey. also its dirty look just makes you look like a beggar.
some days you remember that the shoe is in storage. other days you cannot imagine even owning such a pair. time passes, the pair of shoes remain in the same state you left it the year before. maybe a little more withered looking with all the gathering of dust. the layer of dust cast a dark shadow over the once bright red shoes. making it even more dull looking and unattractive to the eye.
one day you decide to brave the fashion critics and wear it out. the moment you step out of the house, people are staring. people are whispering behind your back. you know it's about your shoes. you just know it. you get so self-conscious to a point that you feel that everyone knows you are wearing superman underwear. that the bra strap is twisted because you have not gotten quite used to wearing normal bras. your skirt is tight because of your thunder thighs and its showing off some undesirable panty-lines. instead of having a great day out, you find yourself trapped. you run home. feeling humiliated. feeling rejected. all because of that damned pair of shoes.
and the only thing you can do
is
cry.
pau
__________
Monday, May 21, 2007
man. i've been mia-ing for a bit. hur. haven't found time to sit down in front of the computer to contemplate what i have been doing. when i was in florence, there was just too little things to do and too much time on my hands to rot away. being back home. really treasuring the time i have to gorge myself with the different delicacies and of course being in the company of my friends. heh.
so i got back on a friday night. suffered horrible jetlag and nerves because of the stupid beep test. managed to pass. hahaha. level 8.2. refused to run any more because i was starving to death. i don't know why. i had a hearty breakfast but i guess i ate too early? lucky me had the company of cookie! hahaha she came down to support me :D so grateful. right after we had nasi lemak @ holland v. omg. the plum juice drink and the nasi lemak was heavenly. the chilli. i would eat it by itself if i had the chance. but i'm a loser. can't take spicy anymore. well not as well as last time. italy has screwed up my tastebuds!
went home to sleep and managed to wake up just in time for the match that night with hollandse club. shit i'm freaking unfit. i really gotta step up on my fitness. being match fit and fit is really two very different things. but i just seriously need to start running again. freaking weak la. and my mind is just as bad. just keep coming up with excuses. shitty. but oh well. one step at a time, then there will be progress. managed to score one goal! woot. i still have it in me. my muscles remember how to move right. but i sure screwed up a couple of times. eck. disgusting.
got home. and of course what is home without the sounds of my sister nagging at me?! roar. but nevermind. i have to admit. i love her. she can be the bane of existence in one instance and the next, the life of the family. she's the glue. gotta admit. she is very powerful. but she seriously has to hold off the nagging. i bet she kept it inside of her for the past 4months and just couldn't wait to snap at me! hah. so kind of her.
after that i met for a scrumptious dinner with suzy, nurdee and cookie at west coast. and of course me being an idiot did not know how to get there myself. but of course my friends are brilliant and brought me there safely. farah joined us later on because she was SLEEPING. pig la wah lau. happyyy. FOOD! tofu. fish. prawns. veggie. omgg. SO GOOD CAN. and it wasn't that expensive either. seriously. singapore is the place to get fat. okay fine. i put on weight in italy too. but it's beacuse it's cold k. okay excuses again. whatever :P
sunday i slept the whole day away then had an italian lunch. hah. i think my family forgot that i was in italy. no mother's day celebrations because my mother was in china for work. so sad right. but we are not big on such celebrations. more big on binging on weekends. hurhur. family of big eaters. terrible. so every meal is a celebration. as long as my mother doesn't cook!
sunday night belle and i left for gold coast, australia! woot. had so much fun. eating. shopping. visiting the different worlds and freaking ourselves out with all those rollercoaster rides. okay i got to admit it's just me! i'm terrified, TERRIFIED of heights. yes people. so please. keep me away from things that would invovle a huge plunge. thank you very much.
got back from australia on a friday and the parents came to pick me up. of course to try and seal a deal with me. that is to keep peace between my sister and i. wah. okay settled la. she has been more civil toward me. but i know. the next lecture would come around. mid week. it's a horrendous cycle. but my life would not be as colourful without her hor? oh well.
saturday spent at the club and with andrew at night! :D watched the phantom of the opera and caught the FA cup final. woot. chelsea won. not much of a soccer fan. but hurhur. if manutd won i would have the same reaction la. hockey's good enough for me really. and the phantom of the opera was SOOO good. my goodness. i loved it. i can still remember watching it when i was eight and i was really scared when he suddenly popped out in the mirror. freaky. but hah. i'm 20 so i'm more brave. woot. i need a medal :D hahahaha. the effects were spectacular. hor andrew? hahaha. the loud noises made me jump in my seat. sucker la. what to do. but all in all. it was a goodnight. can't believe i had to rush through dinner so that we would make it in time for the opera. but heck. worth it all :)
sunday was sleeping in again. okay seriously i need to drag my lazy ass to church. seriously. lazy shit i am. lunch was lamian! and then vegging out with the other females in the family. i can see the family has not become more healthy with me being away. if not. more lazy. hur. no wonder everyone is so fat. hahahaha. we found out that the monitor lizard has found refuge in our neighbours house. and the stupid lizard very kindly ate up half the koi in our pond, leaving my dad a very depressed man. but i'm sure he will get over it sooner or later.
sunday night was the game against crescent. i thought i would meet everyone there. BUT no. i only saw weizhen, lynn and mavis. wah lau. everyone lazy to take beep test right. kaobei. nevermind. i shall yue you guys out another time. idiots.
eck. and i had a bad game. must reflect about it. but i refuse to throw face. so better reflect in private. or else. heh. i can quit hockey for life. stupid stupid mistakes.
supper at alazhar was the winning touch for me. hahaha. BEEHOON SOTO. sooooooo good. and MILO DINOSAUR! omggg. naaan! which i kop from xinn and cookie! hahahha. and some fried rice from farah. whoops. and thosai. man. i felt soo happy after that. but later that night i started craving for some macs. i actually miss macs and kfc. hahaha. sinful me.
today! happy day! andrew came over in the morning and we ordered MACS. hahahahahha. sooo goood. sooo nice to eat. it was amazing can. wahh. i really miss the garlic chilli with hash brown. i wanted to order more but i had to hold back. lunch with yokey so obviously must hold back. but surprisingly i wasn't that hungry. did not order that much at crystal jade. maybe because i had it the day before? but. still. YUMMY. haha xiaolongbao rocks my socks. the vinegar. wahh. yum. can just drink it.
ran some errands. body shop and borders. HAIRCUT. a much needed one. seriously. the hair was getting out of control. so long and thick. i think i could have been hiding a lizard in there. which explains the headaches. anyway! DAVID SEDARIS is the shit. people go pick up his book, me talk pretty one day. the funniest shit EVER. hahaahha. k sleep already. got date tomorrow. hur.
pau
__________
Friday, May 11, 2007
i'm finally home and i'm sitting down on the toilet bowl. because my tummy is doing flips and i feel happier and more comfortable on the toilet bowl. shit la. my heart is pumping, my tummy is doing flips and my head is pulsing like crazy. suffering from a tragic case of jetlag and i have my beep test in exactly 2 hours. pray everyone that i pass and manage to play premier match tonight. okay dudes. i'm aiming 10.5 but if i aim high i can shoot a bit lower and hopefully higher than 8. ahh. the pressure. i'm killing myself.
so i've been desperately trying to keep my coming home a secret. well at least the date. because i wanted to surprise andrew and i must say with the help of the sneaky navy boys it turned out absolutely fabulous. so i'm really proud of myself :D heh andrew had a good scare. like he saw a ghost. aww. :) can't help it. i have a great effect on the boy.
so florence airport killed me. i had overloaded my carry-on. 18kg. the woman was lenient with me. because techincally i'm only allowed one bag of 12kg but i winded up having 2bags of 18kg so that i did not have to pay too much for excess. and i stuffed my hockey bag full of things so that i could just pay a fixed price for the sporting equipment. then i threw out one of the suitcases because it was just adding to my excess weight and it was too empty. and it really wasn;t worth the money. so money gone to excess but it was 210euros. as compared to 1000euros that my friend winded up paying. so i'm thankful. sigh. had a raelly good flight home. :) just really glad to be home.
people ask me out!
got home and straight away i rushed off to training. then came home to bring my mother to airport. after my dad dropped me off at laupasat for andrew's surprise :D good job boys! :) then now i got beep test. wahhh. stressssss! okay i shall destress. go unpack.
i'm glad to be home :)
pau
__________
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
a year has passed. i can officially say i am no longer a freshman. can't believe that i will not be coming back to florence in the fall. but of course i am just as excited about being in newyork. woot. but still. i would really miss this place. the tight community here. trust me. it's so tight that i know exactly what underwear that person next to me is wearing. hmm. am i proving a point or am i uttering rubbish?
so today's my last day. had a great dinner with my close friends. thank god i would get to see most of them next year. except for max who's headed off to mcgill to be closer to home. but we could always drive up to canada for our long weekend breaks. hahha i have very conveniently planned out my lessons to give me a nice long weekend again :) and relatively short days since i start classes in the early morn. all's good.
eck. goodbye florence. arrivederci firenze. mi mancha tu.
shall not bother to reflect too much. later i will get all emotional and pathetic. now feeling very full and satisfied. let this feeling stay on forever.
eck. and i dont even take math. maybe i'm having withdrawals!
pau
__________
Saturday, May 05, 2007
things i will never do:
1. name my kid winston 2. give my kid a credit card when she/he does not know the value of money 3. lead my kid to thinking that dieting is a good idea [unless it's for health reasons] 4. deprive my kid of a real childhood/teenage-hood 5. let my kid believe that money can buy anything in the world
you know they say ignorance is bliss? they should rethink that. maybe that's why the world is eating itself up. maybe one day we will all wake up and have a conscience.
someone please tell me why am i always digging my own grave? why am i always running myself into a wall? driving myself into that tiny pathetic corner? depriving myself of oxygen to breathe? why am i always doing this to myself?! why oh why?!
there are so many things i wanna do, but there is this curved wooden stick infront of me that makes me stop and think. that conceited piece of wood. it has been running my life for the past 7years, and when i think i have managed to get away from it by being overseas and everything, i dream about it, i yearn for it and i need it to stay abreath of things. it's like i'm doing myself harm because i enjoy the pain. you know like how those marathon runners keep running because they absolutely love the pain? ya i'm one of those marathon runners. just that i'm a hockey player. and the pain i get. i do not necessarily enjoy, but i sure need it.
there are numerous stop signs in my face but i just refuse to see the flashing red and just surge forward. not even thinking about the other cars on the road. talk about a very inconsiderate road user. sigh. maybe the flashing red looks green in my eyes? and you know what's worse? i think too highly of the car i'm driving. my car is pathetic. it is small and red with a dash of yellow here and there. well it does drive fast but if anything happens, ie another crashes into mine, i would be crushed. i would no longer be alive. i would be dead. dead.
why on earth would i put myself through that? to risk my life every other time? do i live on the adrenaline rush? i don't know. i just do it. i just. commit. i may weep and cry from all the near death situations but i never stand down. i keep going. i never look back. i never look back to see all that road kill. i just move on. the road is straight. i cannot see the end. or maybe i do not want to see the end. and i'm just driving through. sometimes noticing the beautiful scenery around me, looking off to other little roads that would lead me to other wondrous places but i refuse to diverge my attention from this one road. this one road to nowhere. or so i think. is it nowhere? is it somewhere? who knows. only God knows.
only He knows.
pau
__________
eck. i was supposed to be a good girl and do more work but no. i did not. die la. and my stupid exams are up. why is it the time i choose to be lazy just happens to be around the most important times of the year? i'm praying that by the today i would have a vast improvement in my work ethic.
some plans before i turn 30: 1. travel through china and russia using the chinese eastern railway and the trans-siberian railroad... and eventually find myself at the tip of europe.
that's all i can think of right now. hmmm. maybe get married? hahahahah. right.
plans when i get home: 1. supperrr with everybody 2. take over my brother's new car 3. make a trip down to malaysia to visit my ahma 4. go on a spa retreat with my mummy 5. phantom of the opera with andrew 6. many fancy dinners with andrew 7. hockey..... 8. i HAVE to meet everybody at least 5 times! 9. sleepovers. crescent hockers be prepared! 10. gain weight :)
i can smell the oil. yummy
pau
__________
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
i dont wanna read i dont wanna read i dont wanna read pride and prejudice. damnit.
i know for sure that it would be a nice and pleasant read. why of course. it's a classic afterall and shit. but really. i'm sick of school. SIAN. roar. roar. roar. sing sing sing.
*picks at nose*
pau
__________
i must say. long distance relationships are very expensive! haahahha i just talked to andrew for a good 1.5h and i have depleted about 1.50euros in skype credit! okay la. that really is nothing. hahaha what am i complaining about.
whee! i'm damn excited about home. which is 10days away. all the food that awaits. and all the tender loving care from everyone :) heh. i cannot wait! andrew still doesn't know what my surprise is. hahahaha. sucker :) and of course there were numerous ocassions when i almost blurted it out but i held back. shit la. i'm bad when it comes to these kinda things. whatever.
late night suppers. gold coast australia with ah belle. phantom of the opera with andrew. hockey! if i pass my beep test. to the gym i go.
here i come! :)
okay back to the dalai lama and mary wollstonecraft. yummy.
pau
__________
pau.
27jan
singapore hockey
hpps. cgs. acjc. rjc.
new york university.
duke university.
