Monday, November 19, 2007

the sadistic part of me is coming out.

rotting at my desk has made me realize how much i used to seek pain and how much i miss it now.

i remember how i used to go for multiple trainings in a day and never ever got the chance to eat something in between. those hunger pangs motivated me to push myself harder so i could ignore the pain of hunger.

i remember running those rounds around the pitch until my lungs burnt. a metallic taste would linger at the back of my throat and sometimes i actually liked the taste of it. i remember how i would push myself to finish that round faster than others because i never wanted to be left behind. the burning pain in my muscles. my sides felt like that were multiple knives stabbed into them. i remember how much it hurt and i did not want people to know that i was hurting. i would keel over for a moment, want to puke but hold it in. i would give everyone a round of high5s and then run off to gobble down some water to wash away the taste of blood in my mouth.

remember how pain is pleasure? i was addicted to that feeling. i liked how my body ached so hard the next day after a good round of training.

i'm addicted to pain and

i
need
some
now.

pau

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