Thursday, May 03, 2007

someone please tell me why am i always digging my own grave? why am i always running myself into a wall? driving myself into that tiny pathetic corner? depriving myself of oxygen to breathe? why am i always doing this to myself?! why oh why?!

there are so many things i wanna do, but there is this curved wooden stick infront of me that makes me stop and think. that conceited piece of wood. it has been running my life for the past 7years, and when i think i have managed to get away from it by being overseas and everything, i dream about it, i yearn for it and i need it to stay abreath of things. it's like i'm doing myself harm because i enjoy the pain. you know like how those marathon runners keep running because they absolutely love the pain? ya i'm one of those marathon runners. just that i'm a hockey player. and the pain i get. i do not necessarily enjoy, but i sure need it.

there are numerous stop signs in my face but i just refuse to see the flashing red and just surge forward. not even thinking about the other cars on the road. talk about a very inconsiderate road user. sigh. maybe the flashing red looks green in my eyes? and you know what's worse? i think too highly of the car i'm driving. my car is pathetic. it is small and red with a dash of yellow here and there. well it does drive fast but if anything happens, ie another crashes into mine, i would be crushed. i would no longer be alive. i would be dead. dead.

why on earth would i put myself through that? to risk my life every other time? do i live on the adrenaline rush? i don't know. i just do it. i just. commit. i may weep and cry from all the near death situations but i never stand down. i keep going. i never look back. i never look back to see all that road kill. i just move on. the road is straight. i cannot see the end. or maybe i do not want to see the end. and i'm just driving through. sometimes noticing the beautiful scenery around me, looking off to other little roads that would lead me to other wondrous places but i refuse to diverge my attention from this one road. this one road to nowhere. or so i think. is it nowhere? is it somewhere? who knows. only God knows.

only He knows.

pau

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